I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.