Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Do I have to use my own money?

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.