Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Cats invented self-esteem.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.