Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?