Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.