With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.