With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.