If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.