If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.