When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.