Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.