The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.