The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

Cats invented self-esteem.

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much.