The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.