The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.