Housework can kill you if done right.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.