Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.