I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.