I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.