Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.