Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.