I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.