I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.