If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.