Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.