Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least