Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!