When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.