Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

Every puppy should have a boy.

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.