I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.