In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.