I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Do I have to use my own money?

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Housework can kill you if done right.