Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?