My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.