If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.