God created man, but I could do better.

Every puppy should have a boy.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.