I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.