The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Every puppy should have a boy.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.