It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Laugh now, cry later.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.