I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.