I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.