I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.