Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.
Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.