My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.