Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.