I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.