When humor goes, there goes civilization.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

She's as funny as a toothache

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.