When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.