I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.