I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?