When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Success is outliving your failures

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.