When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.