When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.