How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.