How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.