No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.