No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.