The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.