The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.