When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.