I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.