I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.