A small waist makes you tire easily.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.