Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Cats invented self-esteem.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least