When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.