When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.