When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.