When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Success is outliving your failures

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.