Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

I lost everything in the post-natal depression.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.