Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.