Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Mothers are not the nameless, faceless stereotypes who appear once a year on a greeting card with their virtues set to prose, but women who have been dealt a hand for life and play each card one at a time the best way they know how. No mother is all good or all bad, all laughing or all serious, all loving or all angry. Ambivalence rushes through their veins.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.