Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.