Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.