Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.