Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.