Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.