Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.