Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.