Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.