Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.